Learn how to help someone with an addiction
Learning how to help someone with an addiction can ensure you make the right decisions that will serve their best interests. Watching someone you love struggle with addiction can be frightening, exhausting and confusing. You may know that something is wrong, but not know what to say, what to do or where to turn.
You may have tried talking to them, helping them financially, covering for them, making promises on their behalf or trying to protect them from the consequences of their behaviour. You may have reached a point where you no longer know whether you are helping or making things worse.
If you are searching for how to help someone with addiction, one of the most important things to understand is that you cannot make the decision to recover for another person. You can, however, create an environment in which getting help becomes more possible.
Family support can play an important role in recovery, and families themselves may also need support. SAMHSA recommends that families consider support groups, family therapy and counselling while also taking care of their own wellbeing.
Understanding Addiction
Addiction is more than simply making bad choices or lacking willpower.
It can affect a person’s behaviour, emotions, relationships, health, responsibilities and ability to make decisions. Alcohol or drugs may gradually become a central part of the person’s life, even when they understand that their substance use is causing harm.
For families, this can be difficult to understand.
You may find yourself asking:
“Why don’t they just stop?”
“Don’t they realise what this is doing to us?”
“Why do they keep promising to change and then doing the same thing?”
“How many more chances should we give them?”
These are understandable questions.
But addiction is rarely solved by simply telling someone to stop.
Effective addiction treatment needs to look at the substance use, the behaviour surrounding it and the factors that may be contributing to it.
Our Addiction Treatment in South Africa page explains more about our approach to professional addiction treatment.
How Do You Know When Someone Needs Help?
There is no single sign that means someone definitely needs residential rehabilitation.
However, families may notice patterns such as:
- Drinking or using drugs more frequently
- Being unable to control how much they use
- Repeated attempts to stop that do not last
- Hiding or lying about substance use
- Problems at work or school
- Financial difficulties
- Relationship breakdown
- Changes in mood or behaviour
- Withdrawal from family and friends
- Neglecting responsibilities
- Continuing to use despite obvious consequences
- Experiencing repeated relapse
- Using alcohol or drugs to cope with emotions or difficult situations
The important thing is to look at the overall pattern rather than waiting for one dramatic event.
You do not have to wait until someone has lost their job, marriage, health or home before asking whether professional treatment is appropriate.
How to Talk to Someone About Their Addiction
One of the most difficult parts of helping someone with addiction is starting the conversation.
Approaching someone when they are intoxicated, angry or defensive is unlikely to produce a productive discussion.
Choose a time when they are relatively calm and able to listen.
Speak about what you have observed rather than attacking their character.
Instead of:
“You are destroying this family.”
Try:
“I’ve noticed that your drinking has become much more frequent, and I’m worried about what is happening to you.”
Instead of:
“You obviously don’t care about anyone.”
Try:
“I care about you, and I’m worried because I can see that this is affecting your health and your relationships.”
The purpose of the conversation is not to win an argument.
It is to communicate concern and open the door to help.
SAMHSA’s current family guidance similarly encourages families to have direct conversations with loved ones experiencing mental-health or substance-use problems and provides resources specifically designed to help families start those conversations.
Listen Without Taking Responsibility for the Addiction
Listening can be extremely valuable.
But listening does not mean agreeing with everything the person says, and it does not mean accepting responsibility for their recovery.
You can listen without rescuing.
You can care without controlling.
You can offer support without taking over their life.
This distinction becomes particularly important when addiction has been present for a long time.
Families can gradually become focused on managing the addiction rather than living their own lives.
They may monitor the person’s behaviour, check where they are, manage their finances, contact their employer, make excuses for them or repeatedly try to prevent consequences.
Understandably, this often comes from love.
But protecting someone from every consequence of their addiction can sometimes make it harder for them to recognise the seriousness of what is happening.
Helping Someone With Addiction Does Not Mean Enabling Them
One of the most difficult concepts for families to understand is the difference between helping and enabling.
Helping might mean:
- Encouraging someone to seek professional treatment
- Accompanying them to an appointment
- Providing emotional support
- Helping them investigate treatment options
- Setting healthy boundaries
- Supporting appropriate recovery activities
- Participating in family therapy
Enabling can involve repeatedly protecting someone from the consequences of their substance use.
For example, a family member might repeatedly provide money that is then used to buy alcohol or drugs, lie to employers about the person’s absence, pay debts caused by substance use or repeatedly make excuses to other family members.
There is no simple formula because every family situation is different.
The question to ask is:
“Is what I am doing helping this person move towards recovery, or helping them continue the same pattern?”
Setting Boundaries With Someone Who Has an Addiction
Healthy boundaries are not punishments.
They are limits around what you are prepared to accept and what you are prepared to do.
For example, a family member might decide:
“I will support you in getting treatment, but I will not give you money for alcohol or drugs.”
Or:
“You are welcome to stay here if you are sober, but I will not allow drugs to be used in the house.”
Or:
“I will help you contact a treatment centre, but I cannot make the decision to enter treatment for you.”
Boundaries need to be realistic and followed consistently.
They should not be used as threats designed to manipulate someone into recovery.
They are about protecting the wellbeing of the family while making it clear what support is available.
Family therapy and professional support can be particularly useful when boundaries have become confused or relationships have been damaged by addiction.
SAMHSA’s guidance on substance-use treatment and family therapy recognises the way substance use can affect family roles, relationships and patterns of behaviour.
What If They Refuse Treatment?
This is one of the hardest situations families face.
You may have reached the point where you know addiction treatment is needed, but the person refuses to go.
You cannot force someone to genuinely engage in recovery simply by arguing with them.
Instead, focus on what you can control.
You can:
- Explain your concerns clearly
- Encourage professional assessment
- Provide information about treatment options
- Set appropriate boundaries
- Stop participating in behaviours that support the addiction
- Protect children and other vulnerable family members
- Seek professional support for yourself
- Remain open to helping when the person becomes willing to accept help
Sometimes the first conversation does not lead to treatment.
That does not necessarily mean the conversation was pointless.
People may need time to process what has been said.
Do Not Wait for “Rock Bottom”
The idea that someone needs to hit rock bottom before treatment can work is misleading.
There is no requirement for a person to lose everything before they deserve help.
In fact, earlier intervention can prevent further damage to health, relationships, employment and family life.
If you are already asking how to help someone with addiction, that concern is worth taking seriously.
You do not need to wait for another crisis before seeking professional advice.
Look Beyond the Substance
One of the most important questions for families is not only:
“What are they using?”
It is also:
“What is happening underneath the addiction?”
For some people, alcohol or drugs have become a way of coping with trauma, anxiety, depression, grief, chronic stress, loneliness, low self-esteem or difficult emotions.
The substance may have become a form of escape.
This is one of the reasons our approach to addiction treatment looks beyond the substance itself.
Our Trauma, Mental Health and Addiction page explores the relationship between underlying mental-health difficulties and addiction.
We also have dedicated information on Trauma and Addiction Treatment and Anxiety and Addiction Treatment.
Our recently developed Depression and Addiction Treatment page looks specifically at situations where depression and substance use become interconnected.
This matters because treating the substance alone may not address the reasons the person became dependent on it in the first place.
What Happens When Someone Enters Addiction Treatment?
Families often have questions about what actually happens after they help someone enter rehab.
Professional addiction treatment generally begins with an assessment of the individual’s circumstances and treatment needs.
The treatment programme then provides structure, therapeutic support and opportunities to develop healthier ways of coping.
At South Coast Recovery Centre, our residential programme includes individual counselling, group therapy, addiction education, emotional regulation, relapse prevention and recovery work. Our 21-Day Addiction Treatment Programme provides a structured starting point for appropriate clients, while some individuals may require longer residential treatment.
Treatment should not be viewed as simply removing someone from alcohol or drugs for a few weeks.
The aim is to help the individual understand their addiction, develop recovery skills and begin making the behavioural and lifestyle changes necessary for longer-term recovery.
What About Medical Detox?
Families sometimes use the words “detox” and “rehab” as though they are the same thing.
They are not.
Medical detoxification is concerned with managing withdrawal and medical safety. Rehabilitation is focused on the psychological, behavioural, social and lifestyle aspects of recovery.
Some forms of alcohol or drug withdrawal can be medically dangerous. WHO advises people experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms or serious discomfort when stopping alcohol or other drugs to seek medical help.
South Coast Recovery Centre does not provide medical detoxification on site. Where medical detox is required, appropriate hospital-based care is arranged before or alongside residential rehabilitation as clinically indicated.
This distinction is important for families because choosing a treatment facility should involve understanding exactly what level of medical care it provides.
Family Support Is Part of Recovery
Addiction affects the whole family.
Trust may have been damaged.
Communication may have broken down.
Family members may feel angry, frightened, guilty, exhausted or confused.
Some may feel that they have spent years trying to fix a problem they cannot control.
That is why family support should not stop once the person enters treatment.
At South Coast Recovery Centre, Family Support in Recovery forms part of our approach to helping families understand addiction and begin addressing the impact it has had on relationships.
Our family support includes family therapy, collateral letters and a weekly online family support group where loved ones can receive guidance, ask questions and connect with others experiencing similar challenges.
Family support is not about blaming the family for the addiction.
It is about helping everyone understand what has happened and learn healthier ways of moving forward.
WHO also recognises the role of family-focused support and mutual-help resources for people affected by alcohol dependence.
What Can Families Do While Their Loved One Is in Treatment?
Entering rehab is only the beginning.
Families can use this period to work on their own recovery from the effects of addiction.
That might mean learning about addiction, attending family support sessions, establishing boundaries, addressing damaged relationships and considering how communication can change.
It can also mean allowing the person in treatment to take responsibility for their own recovery rather than trying to manage everything for them.
Recovery works best when responsibility gradually moves back to the person who is recovering.
What Happens After Rehab?
Another important question for families is what happens when residential treatment ends.
Completing treatment does not mean that every challenge has disappeared.
Returning immediately to the same environment, relationships and routines that surrounded active addiction can be difficult.
This is one reason a Phased Approach to Addiction Treatment can be valuable for some individuals.
South Coast Recovery Centre’s model can progress from primary residential treatment to longer-term treatment, transitional recovery and structured sober living, depending on the person’s circumstances and readiness.
The objective is to progressively develop independence while maintaining appropriate accountability and support.
For some people, Sober Living in South Africa can provide an additional structured step between residential treatment and fully independent living.
You Cannot Recover for Someone Else
This may be one of the hardest things for a family to accept.
You can love someone deeply.
You can encourage them.
You can provide information.
You can help them find treatment.
You can set boundaries.
You can support their recovery.
But you cannot make the decision to change their life for them.
That responsibility ultimately belongs to the person struggling with addiction.
Understanding this does not mean giving up on them.
It means recognising the difference between supporting recovery and trying to control it.
Take Care of Yourself Too
Families can become so focused on the person with addiction that they forget about their own wellbeing.
You may have been living with uncertainty for years.
You may have experienced broken promises, financial problems, conflict, fear or emotional exhaustion.
You deserve support too.
SAMHSA’s current family guidance specifically emphasises that caring for someone with a mental or substance-use disorder can be taxing and that family members should prioritise their own health as well.
Seeking help for yourself is not selfish.
It can help you establish healthier boundaries, communicate more effectively and make clearer decisions about how you support your loved one.
Helping Someone With Addiction Starts With One Conversation
You do not need to know exactly what to say.
You do not need to understand everything about addiction before asking for help.
And you do not need to wait until the situation becomes a crisis.
Sometimes the first step is simply saying:
“I’m worried about you, and I want to help.”
From there, professional guidance can help you understand what options are available.
At South Coast Recovery Centre, we speak with individuals and families who are trying to understand what to do next. You can contact our admissions team to discuss your circumstances confidentially and learn more about the treatment options available.
Call South Coast Recovery Centre: 072 545 5414
Email: enquiries@scrc.co.za
If someone you love is struggling with addiction, you do not have to figure everything out on your own.
Further resources for families
For additional independent information about supporting someone with a substance-use disorder, SAMHSA provides a current family support and substance-use resource centre.
For people concerned about their own substance use, the World Health Organization also provides information on self-help strategies for reducing or stopping substance use, including a warning to seek medical help where severe withdrawal symptoms occur.