Step 9 in Addiction Recovery: Making Direct Amends
Step 9 in addiction recovery is about making amends, rebuilding trust, and finding peace — but it can only be achieved through honesty, responsibility, and a genuine commitment to change.
Addiction takes a heavy toll not only on the person suffering, but also on their family, friends, colleagues, and community. One of the most powerful steps in the 12-Step programme is Step 9, which reads: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
This step is not about a quick “sorry” or empty promises. It is about a deep, often painful process of acknowledging the damage caused, facing loved ones with humility, and committing to live differently moving forward. Step 9 is an act of courage, responsibility, and healing that, when done sincerely, can transform broken relationships and bring peace to both sides.
Why Excuses Have No Place in Step 9
One of the first truths about Step 9 is that it cannot be done if a person in recovery continues to excuse their actions or blame substances. It is tempting to say: “I only did that because I was drunk” or “I didn’t mean it, I was high.” While addiction is indeed an illness, hiding behind substances as an excuse prevents genuine healing.
Excuses minimise the pain caused. They dismiss the very real hurt experienced by loved ones. To make amends, the recovering individual must acknowledge that their behaviour — regardless of being under the influence — caused harm. Excuses protect the ego, but they destroy trust.
True amends can only begin when a person is willing to say: “I hurt you. I take responsibility for my actions. I will not justify them. And I am committed to making it right.”
The Role of Acknowledgement and Understanding
At the heart of Step 9 lies acknowledgement. Loved ones do not just want to hear “I’m sorry.” They want to know that the person in recovery understands what they went through. That understanding validates their pain.
When making amends, the apology must go beyond words. It must include a recognition of how one’s behaviour has affected others. For example:
- “I understand that my drinking caused you to feel unsafe in our home.”
- “I know that my lies broke your trust and made you feel you couldn’t rely on me.”
- “I recognise that my actions embarrassed you and hurt you deeply.”
Acknowledgement sends a powerful message: “I see your pain, I understand it, and I take responsibility for it.” Without this, the apology is hollow.
Why an Apology Alone Is Not Enough
Step 9 is not about saying “sorry” and moving on. In fact, a simple apology can sometimes make things worse, because it risks sounding dismissive or insincere. For true amends, two things must be present:
- Acknowledgement of harm caused.
- Commitment to change.
The loved one must feel not only that their pain has been recognised but also that the person in recovery is dedicated to never repeating the behaviour. Trust cannot be restored with words alone. It must be demonstrated consistently over time.
An apology without action is manipulation. Step 9 requires more.
Collateral Letters: A Tool for Truth
One effective tool in the Step 9 process is the collateral letter. This is a letter written by the loved one to the person in recovery, detailing how their behaviour affected them. It may describe the emotions they felt — anger, fear, betrayal, sadness — and the specific ways addiction damaged the relationship.
Collateral letters serve several purposes:
- They allow the loved one to voice their truth.
- They prevent the conversation from being one-sided or manipulated.
- They help the person in recovery truly see and feel the impact of their actions.
Receiving such a letter can be difficult, even painful. But it is a crucial part of growth. When the person in recovery reads those words and sits with the reality of what they caused, it becomes harder to slip into denial or excuses. It fosters accountability.
The Right of Loved Ones to Feel
In Step 9, one of the most important lessons is recognising that loved ones have every right to feel the way they do. They have every right to be angry, hurt, or distrustful. Too often, those in recovery expect forgiveness immediately. But forgiveness cannot be demanded — it must be earned, and it often takes time.
When making amends, the person in recovery must acknowledge that the loved one’s emotions are valid. This means saying things like:
- “You have every right to be angry.”
- “I understand why you don’t trust me yet.”
- “I know my behaviour caused this pain, and I accept your feelings.”
This creates space for healing. It shows humility and empathy.
Allowing Emotional Reactions
Making amends is not a smooth process. Loved ones may cry, shout, or react with raw emotion. The person in recovery must be prepared for this and avoid reacting defensively.
It’s natural to want to argue, justify, or calm the situation. But Step 9 requires restraint. The amends process is not about defending oneself — it’s about allowing loved ones to express their truth, however it comes out.
By allowing space for these emotions, the recovering individual shows respect. They demonstrate that they are not there to control the outcome, but to listen and take responsibility.
Why Time and Patience Are Essential
One of the hardest truths of Step 9 is that amends take time. A single conversation or apology will not repair years of damage. Trust is rebuilt only through consistent actions over time.
Loved ones may be sceptical — and rightfully so. They may say: “I’ve heard this before. Why should I believe you now?” The answer is not found in words, but in living differently. Attending meetings, maintaining sobriety, being reliable, showing up consistently — these are the real amends.
The person in recovery must be patient. They must accept that healing will not be immediate, and they cannot control how quickly others forgive. Step 9 is about planting seeds of trust. Those seeds will grow only with time, care, and ongoing commitment.
Why Excuses and Blame Destroy Amends
Returning to excuses, it’s vital to stress: any attempt to blame substances, circumstances, or others destroys the amends process. Loved ones do not want to hear:
- “I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t drunk.”
- “I only acted that way because I was stressed.”
- “You made me angry, that’s why I used.”
Excuses shift the burden away from the person who caused harm. They invalidate the loved one’s pain. And they suggest that nothing has truly changed. Step 9 is powerful precisely because it strips away all excuses. It is raw, honest accountability.
Tough Lessons in Making Amends
Step 9 requires humility. It often feels like laying one’s pride down at the feet of others. Some may not accept the amends. Some may reject the apology. This can be crushing, but it is part of the process.
The person in recovery must accept that making amends does not guarantee forgiveness or reconciliation. The goal is not to control the outcome, but to clear one’s side of the street. Healing begins with responsibility, not with being accepted.
How South Coast Recovery Centre Supports Step 9
At South Coast Recovery Centre, Step 9 is not approached as a simple apology exercise. We provide a structured environment where clients are prepared emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to make amends. Our process includes:
- Therapeutic guidance to help clients confront denial and take responsibility.
- Collateral letters to give loved ones a voice and ensure accountability.
- Roleplay and preparation so clients enter amends conversations with humility and understanding.
- Ongoing aftercare to help clients demonstrate their sincerity over time through action, not just words.
We believe Step 9 is one of the most transformative parts of recovery. Done sincerely, it not only heals relationships but also deepens self-respect and strengthens long-term sobriety.
Step 9 Is About Action, Not Words
Step 9 is a step of courage, humility, and responsibility. It is not about seeking immediate forgiveness, nor is it about quick fixes. It is about acknowledging harm, taking responsibility without excuses, and committing to a life of change.
Loved ones have every right to feel anger or distrust. They have the right to take their time. For the person in recovery, patience and persistence are essential. Amends are proven through consistent actions, not through promises.
Ultimately, Step 9 teaches one of the most powerful truths of recovery: healing comes not from erasing the past, but from facing it honestly and building a new future with integrity.
At South Coast Recovery Centre, we guide clients through each step of their journey, including making amends, with compassion and structure in our addiction treatment programmes
To learn more about the principles behind Step 9 and making amends, the Alcoholics Anonymous official website provides valuable insight into the process.